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baby 2

there is something about this reminder in my favorite place on earth that makes my heart so full, yet so painfully aware of the absence of my babies. six years ago, I stood in a church watching a sweet friend say I do and start her new life, while I was silently mourning the life I knew I was losing inside me. this baby is the only one I never got to see, yet I loved it fiercely and had already dreamed what our life would be like together. this never gets easier, we just get closer to meeting you every year that passes. happy birthday to you, baby tisdale two 💙💙💙💙💙💙

Our Story Begins

Several months ago, when I first posted our site, I mentioned that I had every intention of typing up our story to share with everyone. At the time, I assumed it would be difficult to sit down and get my thoughts in order, and I was right.

Now, a few months later than I expected, and on the sixth anniversary of our second loss, I would like to share the first chapter with you. It's really just an introduction from my perspective, but it is the starting point for the last 7 years.

I am very close to having the account of our first loss complete, and Kristi is working on her perspective as well.

We are excited to begin sharing our journey with all of you and hope that it will bring some comfort to those who have suffered loss both now and in the future. 

The first entry: Our Story

Jacob's First Birthday

it has been 3 1/2 years since I was given this promise:
“Look, I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go. I will bring you back to this land, for I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.” ‭‭Genesis‬ ‭28:15‬ ‭
 I have clung to it desperately since then as in that time, three more babies have opened their eyes to the face of Jesus instead of me. seeing that reality in black and white takes my breath away. I have experienced more loss and grief in my lifetime than my worst nightmare could dream up yet, mangled with that, the most incredible joy and hope in the Lord. I 100% believed everything would be ok with jacob, even though the odds were stacked against us. I know my God was able to make that reality true. and yet, it has been a year since I last held him and kissed his face. 
here is what I’ve learned through all of this: the Lord’s plans are not mine. what I want is usually selfish and trivial in light of eternity. he is too good to give me what I wa…

Logan - 3 Years

and just like that, 3 years have come and gone since we last kissed this sweet boy and told him we loved him as he slipped away to the arms of Jesus. 3 more brothers have followed him there and i cling more tightly to this promise than i did 3 years ago: “Look, I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go. I will bring you back to this land, for I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.””
‭‭Genesis‬ ‭28:15‬ ‭ do you know what the next verse says? “When Jacob awoke from his sleep, he said, “Surely the Lord is in this place, and I did not know it.””
‭‭Genesis‬ ‭28:16‬ ‭ i am constantly awed by the intricate way God weaves our lives and unfolds pieces at the perfect time. immeasurable pain and joy have filled my life since this day and i imagine it will continue this way until i see my babies again. we are beyond thankful for all of you, who pray and encourage us year after year as we walk this road. every mention of one of our babies or recognition of their live…

Baby 1 - 6 Years

it's been 6 years since we said goodbye to our first baby, the one who made me a mommy. life hasn't been the same since and i'm thankful for the growth that has happened because of that. one of my favorites reminded me this week that it's not goodbye, just see you later! oh what joy in the difference of those phrases 💙💙💙💙💙💙

Jacob's Due Date

dear jacob, today is your due date and although no one expected you to make it this far, we did expect you to make it. i have learned a lot in the past few months about joy and grief; they are a mangled mess in our lives here on earth. often times, the most immense joy coincides with the most miserable grief. each time one of you leaves us too soon, i am thrown into the fire and burned until i have been refined and made new. your brother, logan, made me a warrior. you, sweet jacob, have given me rest. my hope in this life is not in things, happiness, or my comfort. my hope is in the promise of eternity. i wish you hadn't beat me there but until then, i'll love you everyday from here. 💙💙💙💙💙💙 “Therefore we do not give up. Even though our outer person is being destroyed, our inner person is being renewed day by day. For our momentary light affliction is producing for us an absolutely incomparable eternal weight of glory. So we do not focus on what is seen, but on what is unse…

Jacob

Some of you know the events of this past couple weeks and some do not. We weren't purposely keeping anyone in the dark, we simply have been focusing on healing and putting our lives back together again. For those that don't know, Kristi would have been 24 weeks pregnant this weekend. Two weeks ago today, we made our second trip in as many weeks to Women's Hospital. This time over concern that she had developed a fever and may have had an infection. After two days at Women's, her condition had deteriorated and there was evidence that her water had broken. Through what can only be described as divine providence, she was transferred to Forsyth Medical Center on 3/21 because the NICU at Women's was full. Within minutes of arriving at Forsyth and meeting with the high risk specialist, Kristi went from awake and alert to septic shock. The only option to save her life was to deliver. Our son, Jacob Eli Tisdale, was born at 4:58pm on March 21st. The NICU team at Forsyth w…

Heartstrings Walk - 2016

we are so thankful for all of your support and prayers through each of our losses. we miss our babies terribly, but we will be reunited with them one day in heaven 💙 thank you, heartstrings, for helping us honor our babies and walk this journey with us. sending lots of love to all my fellow angel baby parents 💕

Comfort

until 2 years ago I didn't truly understand what this meant. the depth, the hurt, the amazing ministry opportunities it would bring. this season of loss has shaken me to the core, yet the Lord has restored me 10x over. I miss my sweet Logan everyday and feel his absence constantly. however, the Lord does not waste pain and He has redeemed mine for His glory. happy 2 years closer to hugging your neck, little one ❤️



The Twins

in the spirit of transparency and always honoring the babies who are a part of our family, no matter how short their lives here were, we are heartbroken to tell you we lost our twins. although we are no strangers to loss, it never gets easier and the pain never really goes away. almost exactly a year after the loss of our sweet Logan, we were thrilled to find out we were pregnant again and shocked when they found two! I feel like the Lord was preparing my heart for twins longbefore we ever thought of trying again, and this loss has been especially hard to accept. I would have NEVER chosen this to be my "thorn" in life, but praise God for the amazing ministry that has been born from our loss. I am sad and even a little hurt that we have to endure more pain, but I'm so thankful that God doesn't change based on my feelings. He's the same loving father who has been sending heart-shaped leaves to me for the past year as reminders of our precious son. I am weary from l…

Logan's First Birthday

today it's been a year since I last held my baby boy. It's been the hardest year I've ever lived. there were days that I thought I may actually explode from the grief I was experiencing. for months I thought I'd never be myself again. I was right. I'm different and it's for the better. God has been faithful to his promise to love and comfort me through my pain. He has started a great work in me that I hope never stops. I have been dreading this day because I thought I may slip back into that hole and not be able to get back out. however, to my surprise, today has been a great day. the calls, texts, and sweet gifts that have been given to me have been such a huge blessing! even more than those, the prayers that have been and will continue to be prayed over our family are absolutely overwhelming. thank you, sweet friends and family, for covering us in prayer today 💗 God honored your prayers and has comforted and energized me in a way I'm not sure I've ev…

JT B-day 2015

If you had asked me at the end of my 15th year, what life would be like at the end of my 30th year, I would have given you an answer that would have paled in comparison to what reality has been. I have loved more, laughed more, cried more and hurt more than I ever could have thought was possible. It has taught me that I always underestimate how high the peaks God has in store for me are, and how low the valleys can get that he would guide me through. I have been given a great gift in loving family and friends. The most amazing wife in Kristi Tisdale, and the greatest pleasure in my beautiful daughter Madison. This year also saw us gain, and in the same moment lose, our son Logan, and for that hour, I am eternally grateful. He reminds me every day that what we have here in front of us is momentary, and that our greatest joy is yet in the life to come. I pray that this next year God continues to open my eyes so that I could see how He is working for our greatest eternal good, even if i…

Logan's Due Date

today is the day we thought we would meet our little boy. the past five months have been the hardest i've ever lived. i've felt every emotion possible, all at once and by themselves. time stood still and simultaneously flew by. there are no words this side of heaven that can truly describe how painful this loss has been. BUT today and everyday, I know this to be true: God is still good. He still loves me and only He can see the big picture. this verse has constantly been sent to, heard, or read by me since September: "Look, I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go. I will bring you back to this land, for I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you." (Genesis 28:15 HCSB) God's promises are true and I can't wait to see how He fulfills this in my life! happy due date, Logan! we love you and can't wait to see you again ❤️

Logan

We know a lot of you didn't even know I was pregnant, but I delivered our baby boy at 18 weeks on Wednesday morning. I had a lot of complications with this pregnancy and was in and out of the hospital and doctors office. It never seemed like a good time to make an announcement, but our boy was perfect and handsome and we want him to be remembered as part of our family. To those of you who did know I was pregnant and prayed for our little one and myself, we are so grateful for your prayers and support. Now that we've lost him, we are humbled by your outpouring of love for us and baby Logan. We are heartbroken that we won't get to cuddle him or watch him grow up, but we are encouraged by the fact that we will see him again one day :) God has been so good to us and we are thankful that we got to spend an hour loving on our baby before he left us. Thank you, again, to our friends and family for continuing to help us get through this time of loss. We love you Logan! 2 Cor. 6:10